THE MOST RIDICULOUS WELLNESS GIFTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM

Every year, editorial publications rush to put together lists to help consumers spend their money in the way that most benefits said editorial publication. We don’t want your money. We just don’t want you to spend it on bullshit. Here are the most non-sensical, expensive, and backwards products of the year:

ViA Love Water Bottle, Clear/Rose Quartz, One King’s Lane, $98

Encased in an bougie glass vessel, this water bottle is engineered to enhance your everyday level of bullshit. The of “pH-boosting” rose quartz, also widely celebrated as the quintessential gemstone of sensuality, will make sure your vagina benefits from this investment piece as well. Or maybe you are just hydrating and that’s what is making you feel better. Who knows! Buy it anyway.

Jade Facial Massage Roller, Shiffa, $63

Jade is a healing stone and a symbol of purity and tranquility. It stimulates health, wealth and longevity. Jade soothes the mind and releases negative thoughts. Like that thought telling you that you shouldn’t have spent $63 on a Jade Facial Massage Roller. Ignore that.

Editor’s Note: Don’t worry, you can have this ridiculous beauty tool on the cheap cheap from Amazon, if you must. Seven dolla holla.

Rest & Breathe in the Fresh Air Print, Minted, $96

We found this gem on Self Magazine, in their “24 Healthy Gift Ideas for the Wellnes Guru in Your Life” article. The description read, “This print serves as a solid reminder to get outdoors more this year—and any outdoorsy person will appreciate.” Here’s an idea. Buy a plant for a third of the price of this print, actually get air purifying benefits of it, and then rest easy knowing that you didn’t waste almost a full Benjamin on this piece of “wellness art.”

Ultra Fit Knockout Swarovski Legging, Bandier, $285

Accented with real Swarovski crystals, these sleek performance leggings are fancy AF. Some might say too fancy, but those people don’t know the secret benefit of Swarovski crystals on your chakra 😉 Made of 8-way stretch, silky-soft compression fabric. Gotta compress that shit in. No front seam for a super flattering fit. THIS MEANS NO FUPA Y’ALL. Exclusive (because these are $285 yoga pants) high rise, supportive waistband and built-in compression shapewear. Emphasizing compression, not because it is good for blood flow, but because we know our target audience just wants to look as skinny as possible.

Deepak Chopra Dream Master, Deepak Chopra, $349

Look Deepak, we love you and all, but please stick to being an inspirational human being, writing books, and making wellness accessible. You don’t need to spend $349 to have a meditation session, and no one should be sending you that message.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************We have a special section of this gift guide for GOOP, because that is exactly the type of company that makes people think wellness isn’t for them. Wellness isn’t just for rich white women. Here are the products that unfortunately perpetuate that stereotype:

Shaman Says Sweater, GOOP, $400

100% cashmere, and 100% not a message you could pay us to wear. Maybe if it read “I will buy anything GOOP sells,” that would at least be more direct.

Fur Oil, GOOP, $44

Oil. For your pubic hair. BECAUSE WE ARE ALL DROWNING IN STUDENT DEBT AND AMERICA IS GOING TO SHIT BUT WE SHOULD WORRY ABOUT OILING UP OUR PUBES.

Expressionist Mascara 1, GOOP, $22

Advertised on their “older kids” section of the GOOP holiday gift guide as a “good starter mascara.” Starter mascara? Sorry, but should we really keep telling girls that they have to wear makeup? When are we going to get that crap out?

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