PARENTING & CODEPENDENCY

I’m currently reading a book titled “Adult Children of emotionally immature parents” and so far it’s such an enlightening read. We don’t think of our parents as emotionally immature, most of them are. The definition of child/ren in this article will be used as someone’s offspring. I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be somebody’s child.

 

Many parents share the sentiment that once the child is 18 years old, the child is an adult and no longer require the level of assistance and support the parent was providing prior to becoming 18… while I agree that as children once 18 we don’t require the parental dynamic given to us as a child, I feel they disregard a key factor, there’s a new level of dynamic that children require into adulthood.

 

As a child, our parents nurture us in a way that supports our growth and development. Transitioning into adulthood requires a different level of support and nurturing. Now how a parent goes about that depends on their child, which in my opinion, should be easier now that the child is an adult who can vocalize their needs and wants in regards of the parents.

 

As humans, we do not stop growing, and while we become more self-sufficient, we naturally depend on our support system to keep us balanced. Our foundation is rooted in what we can do for ourselves and how healthy our support system is when we physically, mentally, and emotionally can not. The more self-sufficient we are, the less we physically need our support system, emotional support is enough. Healthy emotional support is dependent on the emotional maturity of the parent first.

 

Parents are the first teachers regarding emotion, our emotional connection with our parents determine a large portion of our personality, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. They show us directly and indirectly how to express emotions, identify and sort them, if the parent is emotionally mature this is great, if they are immature, there’s a lot of work to do once we reach adulthood.

 

See in a way, adulthood levels the field between parent and child, as a young kid, you rely heavily on your parental units to provide means of damn near everything, as you become an adult (myself-sufficient) you are able to rely on yourself to do basic things, in turn needing your parents less and able to do for you what they can, if not more.. some parents are offended that the method of parenting that they’ve been using for the first 18 years is not going to work anymore, many do not know how to adjust. Now the child is thrown into the real world with little sense and experience on how to maneuver with real life, let alone themselves and inner workings.

 

The methods need to be altered and adjusted as the parent-child sees fit. Yes, parents know best, and in knowing best parents should involve their child/ren in determining what’s going to be most effective. It’s very hard for a child to continue to reach out for emotional support as an adult when the parent rejects the requests out of stubbornness and emotional immaturity. A lot of parents are intimidated by their children growing up, especially those who have a lot of pride in how they provide for them and having to alter what that means after placing so much value in one method tends to cause a strain in the parent-child dynamic.

 

It’s very hard as an adult child managing your life and relationships and sustaining the dynamic with your parents. When your life views and morals are different, it’s an even harder battle. Yet these are our parents. We chose them from the womb and we are an extension of them. I would advise those who feel their parent-child dynamic could use work (whether you’re the parent or child) to read the book I mentioned at the beginning. It’ll provide clarity on where to go next. We should always be able to rely on our foundation when we are reminded that we’re human and things don’t go our way, and in that foundation, your parents should be your biggest supporters.
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