{"id":63674,"date":"2018-12-07T16:40:02","date_gmt":"2018-12-07T16:40:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/death-abs-smoothies\/?p=63674"},"modified":"2020-06-09T07:48:52","modified_gmt":"2020-06-09T07:48:52","slug":"being-mean-vs-being-honest","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/being-mean-vs-being-honest\/","title":{"rendered":"BEING MEAN VS BEING HONEST"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m going to preface this by saying I\u2019m not a psychologist or someone who has invested hours studying the intricacies of the brain and the spectrum of human emotion. I\u2019m just a regular person sharing how I go about talking with others, what those conversations have taught me about human nature, and how those lessons have shaped me into the person I am today. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve noticed an ongoing debate between two camps. The first argues that raw, unfiltered, and brutal honesty is the most effective way to get a point across, as it leaves no room for misunderstanding or ambiguity. The second camp believes that it\u2019s possible, to be honest without sacrificing tact. If the person is sensitive, and you forgo tact, it\u2019s a surefire way to offend or isolate them. It makes no difference how salient your point is because the other person will be too hurt to take anything you\u2019ve said into consideration. <\/span><\/p>\n

Is one side more correct than the other? Or might incorporating elements of both be the most effective? Since there are so many variables to consider, I don\u2019t believe a one size fits all approach can work. Looking at myself, there have been moments when I haven\u2019t phrased things in the best way, and I wind up with my foot in my mouth. \u00a0I\u2019m not the type to go out of my way to be malicious- that\u2019s not who I am. So why does this happen? It\u2019s possible that I\u2019m reflecting the criticism I received as a child, which, however well intentioned, was eclipsed by the harshness. <\/span><\/p>\n

One of my biggest struggles was my weight, which made me the brunt of cruel jokes at school. I distinctly remember my father telling me I\u2019d be, \u201cas big as a house,\u201d if I didn\u2019t cut back on the sweets and sodas that were so readily available in the 1990s. I\u2019ve no doubt that he only wanted to encourage me to safeguard my health, but I didn\u2019t respond well. \u00a0In fact, this brand of criticism only drove me to consume more ice cream, Spice Girls lollipops, and Dunkaroos. Excess eating helped me cope with insecurity, and I\u2019d wrestle with it for years. It wasn\u2019t until college that I successfully shed the pounds thanks to exercise and portion control. <\/span><\/p>\n

In his pursuit to make me a better person, my father compared me to my peers. He\u2019d say, \u201cwhy can\u2019t yo u be like this friend? They did all of this, why can\u2019t you?\u201d And I remember rolling my eyes because it made no sense. We were different people. \u00a0They had their skill set and I had mine. I had one best friend growing up, who excelled at math and science. Not only were these subjects not my forte, but the mere sight of numbers or scientific theories also made me nervous. As if the constant pressure to emulate my colleagues wasn\u2019t devastating enough, my father enrolled me in an after school program designed for students who struggled with math. I did pages of equations daily, and my father thought that the more I did, the better I would become. \u00a0But I despised those assignments and resented that my social life was hinged on whether or not I did them correctly. To this day, I still hate math. <\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s a domino effect here. I\u2019m critical about my physique and my work, and I often put myself down. It wouldn\u2019t be fair to pin all the blame on my father, as he was the product of a mother who was more like a drill sergeant than a loving, nurturing parent. I never doubted my father\u2019s love or support, but some of his traits echoed hers, especially the impatience and short temper. I think he\u2019s come a long way in understanding how he hurt me, and he\u2019s more mindful of how he speaks to me. Our relationship is even better now because even when we don\u2019t see eye to eye, we aren\u2019t disagreeable. <\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t expect perfection from myself or others, but I do expect some degree of awareness and accountability. I run things through my mind before giving voice to them, bearing in mind how I would feel if I were the person on the receiving end. As texting and email are flat forms of communication, it\u2019s easy to interpret them as standoffish and cold, even if that wasn\u2019t the intention. To try to avoid this, I cushion my messages with statements like, \u201cplease know I\u2019m trying my best to see where you\u2019re coming from,\u201d or \u201cI hope this doesn\u2019t come off as mean.\u201d Emojis can be useful in helping to break up the monotony of word s. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m partial to face to face contact whenever possible, and the tone of my voice is crucial, especially if the person is dear to me. If they have done something that has really angered me (which is rare), I might cease communicating for a few days, and clear my mind with exercise. When my anxiety is through the roof and I feel like I\u2019m flailing, meditation helps me find solid ground. I might seek the counsel of another person from a fresh perspective and ideas on how best to address the problem. When I\u2019m ready, I\u2019ll reach out to my friend, and calmly, but firmly, tell them my grievance. Knowing how to govern your emotions is key, no matter how unpleasant the circumstances are. <\/span><\/p>\n

What happens if the issue you have with somebody is more of a trivial inconvenience than a big deal? How do you handle that friend who spits when they speak, smacks when they eat, or they have hygiene problems? Subjects this person ought to be delicately handled because you don\u2019t want to embarrass them. If there are others around, it might be best to wait. \u00a0You might consider opening on a positive note: \u201cyou\u2019re great, and I love hanging out with you. But there\u2019s something I wanted to bring to your attention.\u201d Then, you can be completely forthright, while using a measured tone of voice. If your friend is reasonable, they\u2019ll thank you for making them aware, and do something about it. You might want to encourage them to let you know if there is something you can improve. We sometimes miss our own faults. <\/span><\/p>\n

The labyrinth of life is a complex thing- there\u2019s no practice run or manual for how to weave through those twists and turns. You fall, bruise yourself, and hope that you\u2019ve acquired enough knowledge to prevent falling again. You hurt others, even inadvertently, and that\u2019s just part of the journey. I\u2019m not perfect, but I do strive to live by the old adage: \u201cyou will catch more flies with honey than vinegar.\u201d<\/span>
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I\u2019m going to preface this by saying I\u2019m not a psychologist or someone who has invested hours studying the intricacies of the brain and the spectrum of human emotion. I\u2019m just a regular person sharing how I go about talking with others, what those conversations…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":147,"featured_media":63676,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"0","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[79],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-63674","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-soul"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63674","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/147"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=63674"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63674\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":69637,"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63674\/revisions\/69637"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/63676"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=63674"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=63674"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wellvyl.com\/media\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=63674"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}