STRESS OF BISEXUALITY
The first time I realized that I was kind of…queer. Wow, ok this is still so hard to write. I think I have been running away from this thought since like my early 20s. Maybe even earlier than that. I do not know if it is because I watched porn at an early age or because I have always had an open mind about things.
If one could put a finger on why they are queer, many teens would be alive right now. I know, it is dark but it is the truth. Living out, and with pride takes a bravery I think I will never possess.
And to be honest I do not know what I am afraid of.
I know so many people who live out loud and are brave. And it is not even really a thing. But for some reason, it is a thing for me. I love to write so I think that I should always use this as a healing tool. So here is me coming out, even to myself.
As a kid, I never was attracted to a girl. But I did always admire the ones that were really pretty, nice, and had a lot of confidence. Confidence is something I did not have growing up. I latched on to my best friend and other girls with big personalities. It is easy to hide behind them and deal with my identity issues. No one is wiser.
However, I watched a lot of porn. My mom worked for the cable company so for times in my life we had every single channel. Every. Single. Channel. Nothing was blurred out. So I had access to all the nasty channels. And once we had a computer I learned how to search and download porn. Any time I was home alone that is what I tried to watch. And this is when I noticed that I wanted to also watch lesbians and I saw things attractive about women the way straight men do.
I still paid it no mind. Or took it seriously. Watching porn was like my deep darkest secret. I would have nightmares about people in school finding out I watch porn. Like for some reason that was the worst thing ever that I could do. It is scary how much shame comes with something so many people do. You probably have porn in common with more people than you think.
Anyways, then I developed a crush on my sister’s best friend at the time. She was so pretty, had soft skin, sense of humor, and stylish. I could not help it and was glad that I was not brave because it would have caused quite a stir in my family. I do not even know what I wanted to happen but I did act nervous around her and hoped she thought I was cool.
Then when I started having sex. I have had big loves with men. I love men. I love dick. But I could not help but during sex to fantasize about women. Me having threesomes with other women. I would think of me with them, they way Iiked. I would think this is just sexual fantasy but later it was more and more.
I did not realize how much stress it was causing me. Especially once my long-term relationship at the time was on the rocks. I thought I was going to marry him and have his kids. But that all came crashing down. And I was left having to reevaluate it all. What is it that I want?
It was not identifying my queerness or bisexuality that gave me stress. It was feeling like I had to give a label to it. Having to explain to people about my latest choice. Not to mention the fear. Society is causing me stress. And I search for a safe space to discover who I am.
Once I am out, will my friends and family accept me? Will I accept myself?