GENERATIONAL TRAUMA & RELATIONSHIPS
Genetics is the obvious inheritance we receive from our bloodline, but it sure isn’t the only thing. We inherit the trauma and struggles of our bloodline, and how they trickle down from generation to generation. Parent to the child.. and the cycle will continue for as long as our bloodline allows it. Most aren’t aware, ignorantly passing down the trauma while others aim to heal the traumatic ways and methods of family and upbringings. The results are reflected by the next generation. This type of trauma I’m going to dive into is not physical, rather a mindstate, and for every parent that falls under this category of a traumatic parent, they were this traumatic as an individual before having children. Children, I’m noticing, highlight and magnify every single aspect of your personality. It is undeniable, to me.
When you think of your parents, you’re aware of what they did do and didn’t do, in regards to raising YOU specifically and as an observer of your siblings as well. You know they mean well, as you grow up you don’t really understand why they are the way they are, this is all you know them to be. Your parent.
When we transition into adulthood we begin to see our parents as people, we learn more about who they are, what they value, what embarrasses them, they become, more than mom and dad. Uncovering this personal layer that we weren’t able to really pick at due to our level of comprehension (as we become adults our understanding of adulthood levels up in depth, beyond our childlike perception.) opens up this world of (insert parents name), ‘you realize oh shit, I came into YOUR world, and all this time I felt I gave you a life.’
Once the realization settles, you see clearly where your parents are traumatized at, maybe you had hinted at it growing up but it wasn’t until your transition that you understood just how fucked up mentally your parent is. Sometimes it’s hard to assess if your parents are somewhat stable and appear to be well off. You see through the facades they held throughout your childhood and see what they passed on to you. Listening to their stories and perspectives of situations before and after your existence, the ones you were witness to especially, you begin to notice patterns. Accountability levels, emphatical and emotional availability towards you and life, in general, are some of the big shockers when picking up on the ways you and your parents have been traumatized, them by their parents, you by them. the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree isn’t just a clever saying. It holds a lot of weight. Even if the tree is on the hill, the Apple across town came from those roots.
Many people love to detach themselves from their parents, especially in toxic situations. While that may be what’s best, there’s still self-work that needs to be done, to ensure the trauma isn’t repressed to the point you internalize it and unleash it when you have children of your own. It will come up then, if you don’t heal from it now.
Again, most of our parents did the best they could with what they knew how to, and the fact we can see it better than they can say they did at least one thing right if nothing else. We can focus on us and use what we notice from parts of ourselves reflected in our parents. What they passed on to us, that we don’t want to carry for us or our future children. We can break cycles, one step at a time. As much as we want our parents to realize their not so hidden traumatic patterns and behaviors that affect us as their children well into our adult years.
Most of the trauma comes from emotional immaturity. In family emotional development is crucial in the foundation and determines how solid the structure is. Emotional immaturity breeds so much petty, spite, neglect, ignorance, and pain. Those negative forms of expression make it very difficult for the parent-child relationship to function healthily and grow to its full potential. It’s certainly difficult to process trauma when those involved aren’t necessarily open to acknowledging the trauma itself or even their role in the whole thing. It’s fine, everyone moves at their own pace, just be sure to not let their pace affect yours. Whether it’s your parent or not.
As an individual you are more than a daughter or son, most times there’s a guilt in children (regardless of age) that they are indebted to their parents and complying on their terms while defying their own betterment process is a way to prove loyalty and devotion to obeying your parents and making them happy. That’s toxic for you and your growth. You have to break the cycle, for you and your future generations.
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