ACCOUNTABILITY & RELATIONSHIPS
As a young woman growing up in NYC, I’m exposed to so many different variations of people and experiences. Women of NY are considered aggressive and bold. Even as bold as we can be, we have all experienced abuse in some form, to several degrees especially from our male counterparts. I don’t think I have met a woman who has not experienced verbal, physical, emotional and mental abuse; sometimes we do it to ourselves, in turn making it easier for others to get in on that action. ‘We accept what we allow’ is a phrase that many wouldn’t openly apply to situations where men are abusing women. It seems rude. How dare you tell me I’m accepting this abuse when I’m terrified for my life (in extreme cases)?
It’s a very thin line, between “victim blaming” and recognizing the power of choice. When you are a victim, you’re essentially giving up your power to shift your circumstances, you feel victimized and powerless. This is where the sting lies, any form of abuse is a reminder of the power we don’t have. And it’s infuriating. Trust I know the feeling. And still, we rise. Women have the ability to push through regardless, especially us in NYC. As empathetic as I am, witnessing and living life around abuse in various forms I notice a cap placed on abused women that keep them stuck in victim mode. Women played the damsel in distress for centuries, for so long that role as a means for survival. And now the present day, it’s rather dangerous. Our lives are not valued to the point where we are constant victims of so many forms of abuse and injustice. With that being said, we still have the power to choose how we grow from every experience. I feel often when abuse is discussed, any sense of accountability on the victim’s behalf is shunned. Like oh no don’t blame yourself. If that’s what you need to do, do it. Accept “blame” and forgive yourself. Reclaim your life. Abusers are only as powerful as we feed them, yes I’m aware of the men who are abusive sociopaths, serial killers, murderers and rapists who prey on innocent women. This is not what I’m referring to.
I’m speaking of the women who have played victim their whole life and their experience with abuse is their shield to avoid growth. I want to make this as clear as possible, I tend to offend some with my personal views, most of it is projection, I still aim to be transparent and say what I mean. Blame is not where I’m going with this, I’m reaching for the root and revealing how self can heal all wounds if we do more to encourage healthy relationships with ourselves and how we reflect on our life experiences, the painful ones especially.
The victim – the damsel in distress edition, is a woman so broken inside she tends to attract unstable situations that are immediate red flags into her life and rather than reflecting on her mental and emotional state to discover what exactly within her is attracting and welcoming this rocky energy, she cries wolf. And because of history women tend to get more sympathy, poor baby I know life is hard and it’s not your fault you keep choosing men that lowkey reflect exactly who you are but you’re in denial. It’s not on you that your career choices aren’t satisfying your desires because you’re a dreamer and life is so hard. Looking in the mirror is hard, the universe loves to reflect exactly who we are with our current lifestyle and relationships. We have all been a “victim” at one point or another, in those moments we must reevaluate everything starting with ourselves.
Many women, men included are delusional. And no one wants to dig deep. We rather make others responsible, hold them accountable for how we react, feel and even what we think… it’s easier for some to live life like that yet there is minimal growth. Yes, it was fucked up the way things ended, it was horrible the pain you endured when dealing with your traumatic situation, we know, even when we can’t relate. We all experienced our own version of your intensity even if the details are different.
The key to being free is to own yourself. Not allowing the past to dictate the present, limiting your future. Regardless of who said or did what, your word holds more weight. To many, it’s easier said than done, my response is you need to believe in your word more.
Many of us come from dysfunction. Whether subtle or excessive, we have been exposed to it. Repressing how that affects our decision making moving forward is a big mistake many of us make. Knowing yourself and how your upbringing affected you will show you a lot about what you allow and enable in your life.
You can’t forget nor change the past. The best we can do is focus on the present understand that we are here NOW because of the past, and choose to take all power we DO possess to become better and thrive in the future. When we are healthy internally and externally, we are better equipped to protect ourselves from abuse on many levels. Of course, there are worst-case scenarios, as they are the best case scenario, as with any aspect of life. As women especially, it’s important we learn how to reflect and rectify what isn’t healthy within us to fully purge from a negative traumatic experience as opposed to the normal self-abuse we are so used to inflicting on ourselves adding salt to the wounds. Holding this traumatic experience close yet never fully grasping it enough to feel the power you hold now, to let it go and no longer define how you live your life. Get the help you need, as you need it. While it may not have been your fault, this is still YOUR life. While you are still here, make it count for something.